Opportunity Knocks - But Does it?

That we change as we grow older is obvious. Or is it? I am not the person I was at 25 and yet I am. My Father used to tell me that people do not fundamentally change and I tell my kids the same thing. Most people do not fundamentally change - they just become rounded. Some get more rounded than others.

When I was in my early twenties, I had the good fortune to land a PhD program that would take me to Nova Scotia. In the end, I went three times but part of that was down to my own initiative. Another story. The first time was in 1981. My Professor was already there and picked me up at the airport - Halifax International. He spent a few days with me and then I was on my own for 6 weeks.

Canada seemed like an alien world. Much was different and the differences back then were more pronounced.

I was staying in a guest house with a very old couple. They had this old wooden home - massive it was - many bedrooms. They belonged to the British Legion and kept inviting me. They would invite me to tea and I tried hard to avoid it but could not. I didnt heave the heart to tell them their cakes were mouldy yet they forced me to take not one but two. I found a way to stuff them in my pocket for later discard…

Eventually, I went to their Legion meeting and there a young lady took an interest in the young Brit. I invited her along to a day’s fieldwork with me as she feigned curiosity at what I was doing.

Now, before I relay my story, let me go back to change. You see, back then, I was awfully shy with girls. I would avoid intimacy or the threat of it at all costs. My mother told me that that sex was wrong, bad and could only result in bad things and that training went quite deep. This took me decades to lose but I have now lost it thank the gods…

Anyway, I picked up the girl and took her to Sydney Mines coast where I was working measuring sections and collecting samples. She talked animatedly all the way there and on to the beach. She soon lost any interest in what I was doing…. and invited me to join her for a swim.

I pointed out I had not prepared for a swim and she just casually stripped and ran into the Sea. There was no one around.

What was a young man to do?

Well, I turned and went back to my work feeling embarrassed and hoping she wasn’t going to push this idea further.

As you might imagine, the day was not a success for either of us. I drove her home and dropped her mid afternoon. She petulantly said goodbye and I drove away… instantly regretting my inability to frollick a bit with her….

Later, I met a nice girl who would invite me over to her apartment each evening. I felt quite safe for she made it plain that she had no interest in anything like that. Whatever that was. Sounded fine to me. We hung out almost every night and eventually, my last night arrived…. She then broke down completely and said she couldnt stand not making love before I left.

Any man would love to hear this - music to their ears…. Not me. I froze. I wanted to - oh boy did I. But, my Mother’s voice rang in my ears……. my embarrassment grew and I politely declined her kind offer.

The next day, on the plane, I regretted.

The funny thing is that the following year, I tracked her down (she had moved). She wasn’t so pleased to see me again but we did hang out again like the previous year but she didn’t ask me again and I didn’t try… again, I hadn’t changed in that year. I was still a shy, repressed man at 22!

It’s these things that we look back on and in our acquired wisdom, smile at. I can smile about it. Between the ages of 16 and 26, I had many such regrets…. opportunities not explored, not taken for reasons of some deep down fear placed there …

That same summer, I had been to Montreal and then to New Brunswick to review museum collections. In NB, I stayed with a British PhD student my Prof knew called Guy Plint. We got along OK and he drove me to Halifax where I would catch a bus to Sydney and resume my fieldwork. First though, he had to collect his sister from the airport - she was flying in to visit him.

As soon as she came into sight I knew it. We got into his van (a VW Camper) and on the short drive to my hotel, she and I fell in love - in truth it was love at first sight. Guy couldnt believe how one minute we were looking at each other and the next locked in a kiss so long it could actually have lasted forever.

As we arrived at my hotel, Guy suggested that given the circumstances, perhaps I might like to join him and his sister for the trip they were making to Joggins. After all, I would be there anyway later in the month doing fieldwork. His sisters eyes lit up and she held my hands begging me to stay.

Inside me, I so wanted to stay. I so wanted to be with this girl I had just met but felt like I had known my entire existence. He was saying the truth - I was going to be there in a couple of weeks. And then, I realised, I couldnt. I had a commitment to meet people in Sydney and I had to be mature about things… The last I saw, she was waving tearfully form the back window as he drove into the Halifax traffic. With sinking heart, I turned to face the rundown hotel I could afford for the night prior to getting the bus in the morning. I had done it again…. I had let all these pressures build inside of me and I had betrayed myself.

I am sure, these are the moments that will occupy my last thoughts. These moments where I couldn’t be true to myself because of deep ingrained programming and guilt. These are the missed opportunities in life that I am sure most of us miss due to our programming.

I think I am different now.

I think I would have made very different decisions in all of these instances..I hope so anyway. And yet, while I do think I am different, I am not.

This weekend, I saw a very attractive woman. As she was about to walk in a different direction, I decided that I couldn’t just let her walk away. I walked over and asked her if she spoke English. She smiled and said not much in Czech. At that moment something broke inside me so I smiled and said OK well never mind and walked back to my friend.

Guess what? I did it again! I froze. My embarrassment rose and rather than just switch to my terrible Czech and ask her out, I turned and walked away - I used language as an excuse. who knows - she might have said yes and she might have been the love of my life….. she might not.

So, have I changed? or as my Father said - People do not fundamentally change - been proven?

I guess the truth is that I still have time to make sure I changed and not miss the next opportunity - whatever that may be. Meanwhile, deep inside of me that programming is still active …. and needs to be ripped out.