Limerence - Hell on Earth

I learned a new word tonight.

Limerence.

Limerence is an involuntary state of intense romantic obsession and infatuation.

Although I had no clue about the word, once I read the definition, I realised I had suffered from this three times in my life.

• Uncertainty is key: Limerence is largely sustained by the question of whether the other person reciprocates your feelings. Once the feelings are firmly and consistently returned, limerence often evolves into a healthier relationship or fades.

• Focus on the fantasy: You become captivated less by the actual person—flaws and all—and more by the idea of them and the fantasy of having your affection returned.

The first time, I had boarded a plane from Houston to Denver. It was a Continental flight and they had upgraded me to first. As I boarded, I found a woman in the seat next to me - she was vaguely a red head and pretty. She was reading a book and dint acknowledge my presence. The book was The Alchemist. We both ordered gin and tonics and I asked about the book for I had just read it. We got talking and the conversation was natural and fast.

As I exited the airport, a car pulled over. It was her. Could she give me a lift? I accepted. We were both heading to Colorado Springs so why not. The conversation continued apace. As I got out at my hotel she invited me to dinner the next night. I agreed.

I couldn’t stop thinking of her all the next day…. I was looking forward to dinner - to seeing her again.

She showed up. We went to dinner and had drinks. On the way back she got a speeding ticket but I said it was me who had drank. She came into my hotel and asked if she should stay the night…. I had to force myself to say No. You see, I was married.

I flew home the following day and I could not get this woman out of my head. I was obsessed - addicted. I was in pain. I had her number and she texted me. I responded but I knew this couldn’t be. It took me about a week to overcome this Limerance. But I did.

About a year later, it happened again. This time she was a woman half my age - a beautiful Czech lady I happened upon online. Young, unattainable, half a world away, single. Me married, three kids and a fairytale lifestyle in Texas. This time however, I failed to resist. Within three months, I was living in a shoebox apartment in Brno, divorcing my wife and explaining to my kids - who actually and amazingly understood - well two out three at the time and all three now.

I could tell you that my marriage was over, that my wife would rather stay up all night with a bottle of Jack Daniels and horrible TV shows where people betrayed each other in public rather than be with me, where I seemed to be the one that did everything and where I had told my wife many times I could not see us living like this when the last of our kids went to college - and much more besides. I could tell you a lot but there are always two sides to a story and it was I that cheated and me that left.

Even the first night, my Czech Limerance showed me that my fantasy was just that. She walked away from me and left me in a place I didnt know locked out of the broom cupboard flat with the words - go back to Houston ringing in my ears. I excused that behavior as stress - and did so many times more in the next 12-years before giving up and walking away. Fantasy does that.

My friend David was going through something similar at the time and we would meet for a beer and discuss the women we were with and their behviour. He told me many times, wake up - smell the coffee and leave her. I always said I couldnt - my fantasy still lived in my head - until one day it no longer did.

Our daughter joined me a couple of years later and has lived with me ever since.

In both these instances I was insanely addicted to a fantasy that simply wasn’t real. I would forgive the worst attitude and behaviour and work all the harder to be a good guy…. only to be rejected again and again. Life was at times miserable. and then I was free. I woke up and after a great deal of pain, tears and loneliness - I replaced the fantasy with reality and wondered how I had stuck it out so pathetically for so long.

I was happy. Free. Enjoying life and finding purpose.

And then - BAM. When I least expected it - it happened again. I met a woman who took on that same mysterious persona, had that aura of unavailability and who made me feel like I had met my female inner self. An impossible relationship. I struggled with this throwing off the feeling only to have it reappear a few days later after I thought I was healed. I began to see the same behaviour in her and made excuses for it….

It was then that Youtube introduced me to Limerence via a pyschologist and at that moment, I awoke again. I told myself out loud that this woman was not for me, I told myself that her behaviour was not normal that it wasnt love for me but some sort of need due to some psychosis of her own - she loved me one minute and rejected me the next using the weirdest of excuses.

And at that moment - something hit me hard. I’m sick of trying to date. I’m sick of believing I need someone. I do not. I want my freedom again and purpose back in my life.

And if I can do that when I least expect it….. the right one will find me.

Limerence.

Hell.

Pain.

And a lesson in life - three times is enough for one lifetime.

(I am human. I make mistakes. I am not perfect so please - don’t judge me. And don’t judge the ladies that created the Limerence - it wasn’t their fault either that I made such of a fool of myself).